We’ve all been there: a match pops up on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, or whatever app is your current guilty pleasure, you do a little victory dance… and then stare at the message box like it’s an unsolvable puzzle. Sliding into DMs after a match feels simultaneously exhilarating and awkward — one wrong opening line and you’ll go from “new match!” to “left on read” faster than you can say “super like.” Here’s my take on the unspoken etiquette, the little cheatsheet I use when I want to be charming without trying too hard.
Don’t overthink the opener — but do be intentional
First rule: overthinking kills charm. That said, there’s a difference between tossing “hey” and sending a message that’s intentionally kind of interesting. The best openers are short, specific, and show you read their profile. You don’t need to be clever for clever’s sake — you just need to feel human.
- Bad: “Hey” (boring, zero effort)
- Better: “Hey! I see you love hiking — any trails you’d die to recommend?”
- Good: “Ok I need the real; is your dog secretly a person in a fur suit or the mischievous king of naps?”
Timing matters — but don’t wait too long
There’s an awkward sweet spot for timing. Message within the first 24 hours if you can. Waiting too long can make you seem uninterested or like you swiped on a whim. Messaging immediately can feel eager but is totally fine if your opener is thoughtful. If you matched ages ago and are just now reaching out, it’s okay to acknowledge the delay with a touch of humor.
Example: “Sorry I’m late to the party — blame my phone for not telling me about how awesome your bio is.” It’s honest, playful, and clears the air.
Respect the platform norms
Different apps set different vibes. On Bumble, where women traditionally message first, you can expect people to appreciate initiative. On Hinge, people tend to respond better to profile-specific comments. Tinder may be more casual and flirty. Adapt your tone to the app, but stay true to yourself — don’t be something you’re not just to fit a stereotype.
Use humor and personality, but don’t force it
I adore a witty opener. But forced sarcasm or trying to be “relatable” with an obscure meme can fall flat. If you’re naturally funny, great — let that shine. If not, a bit of warmth and curiosity goes a long way. Emojis can help convey tone (a wink, a laughing emoji), but overloading a message with tiny icons turns it into hieroglyphics.
- Use one or two emojis to soften a joke or show tone.
- Skip the overdone pickup lines — they’re a gamble and usually read as unoriginal.
What not to do
- Do not open with comments about physical appearance in a sexual way. It’s jarring and often unwanted.
- Don’t send multiple messages in a row if they haven’t replied yet — it screams desperation.
- Avoid heavy or overly personal topics right away (ex: political manifestos, long medical histories).
- Don’t copy-paste the same message to everyone. People can tell, and it’s off-putting.
Graceful ways to follow up
If you don’t get a reply, a gentle follow-up is fine. Wait 48–72 hours and send something light. If silence continues, move on — the internet is big and there are loads of delightful humans out there.
Follow-up examples:
- “Still curious whether your go-to karaoke song is as epic as your photos suggest?”
- “Totally understand if real life got busy — just wanted to say hi again!”
How to move the conversation forward
Instead of the endless “how are you?” loop, ask questions that invite stories or choices. People like talking about themselves when it’s easy and fun.
- Give two choices: “Which would you pick — beach sunrise or city night walk?”
- Ask about a specific photo or hobby: “Your pottery pic is mesmerizing — how did you start?”
- Share a tiny anecdote about yourself then ask for their take: “I tried making sourdough and accidentally created glue — your baking wins?”
When to suggest moving off the app
There’s no universal rule — trust the flow. If the chat is breezy, mutual, and you’ve traded a few good messages across a couple of days, suggesting a simpler platform (Spotify, Instagram, or regular texts) is reasonable. I like to offer a low-pressure option:
“This convo is too fun to lose in app purgatory — are you on IG? Or would you rather keep it here for now?”
Examples you can copy (and tweak)
Below is a table with simple templates. Tweak them to match your voice and the person you matched with.
| Situation | Template |
|---|---|
| Profile mentions travel | “I see you’ve been to Japan — I’m planning a trip, what was the best surprising food you tried?” |
| Has a pet photo | “Your dog has the best side-eye. What’s their name and what embarrassing snack do they steal?” |
| Shared music taste | “You listed Arctic Monkeys — perfect. Which song should I start with to convert me into a superfan?” |
| General opener | “Quick poll: pancakes or waffles? This will determine our compatibility.” |
Boundaries and red flags
Don’t ignore gut feelings. If someone is dismissive, overly pushy about meeting immediately, or asks for personal info too fast, that’s a red flag. Respect your own boundaries and don’t feel pressured to explain or justify them. Do block or unmatch if you feel uncomfortable.
Be human — that’s your superpower
At the end of the day, the best way to slide into DMs is to be plainly human: curious, kind, and a little bit playful. You don’t need a golden opener to have a good conversation; being present, responsive, and respectful will get you further than any canned line. Swipe, match, breathe, type something real — and remember, a little awkwardness is part of the fun.